'I Love You; But Darling, I Love Me More'
One of the hardest things you may ever have to face in life will be the decision to either stay in a broken relationship or to walk away. To look at the person you once thought you would be blissfully happy with until the end of time and admit to yourself and everyone around you that your heart no longer beats for them in the same way it used to. To gaze into their eyes and realise you see a complete stranger standing in front of you that has shattered your trust with their words and actions. Knowing that you are leading separate lives and are both holding on to the beautiful memories you once created before the storm set in, desperately trying to re-enact them in the hope that the amnesia will soon wear off and you find yourself back in each other’s loving arms. A time when things were perfect. A time when you were blinded by love.
Staying in a toxic relationship out of fear of the unknown is more detrimental than you can possibly envisage. It slowly kills your soul until you no longer recognise the reflection staring back at you in the mirror. It is you telling yourself that you don’t believe you are worthy of ever experiencing nirvana. It is the limiting belief that you don’t deserve to find true love that has no contractual conditions. It is a reminder of how badly you have been treated. It is pro-longing the inevitable sadness that awaits you no matter how many de-tour’s you choose to take to avoid the end destination. You can patch things up with a paper smile and a bandage but whenever they fall, the scars still remain. Un-healed and raw reminding you of your vulnerability.
Sometimes, the damage that has been done is irreparable no matter how much you try to bluff your way into believing it can be fixed. You can tell yourself a thousand times a day that ‘they will change’but deep down at the bottom of your core, you can hear your gut screaming at you, refusing to let you be that naïve. You try to silence the noise but it only seems to get louder making you cycle through the happiness and the sadness. Small glimmers of hope flash before you when you receive signals showing that one person still loves and cares for you, leading you into a false sense of security. It takes you right back to the start. You play out a motion picture in your mind of what the future could look like if things went back to before. How you always imagined them being. Then within the blink of an eye you snap out of your daydream and notice the sinking feeling that is reality come rushing back through your body like a freight train. So you force the broken pieces of your relationship back together, in anticipation it will resemble something similar to the picture you still re-call in your mind. But when you take a step back to look at the picture from afar, the cracks are too deep to fix.
Change is a choice. A Choice only we can make for ourselves. It is a conscious decision to look within and understand ourselves on a soul level and ascertain whether we like a certain part of our design or we don’t and if we don’t, to take action and work on it. Spending time hoping, wishing and forcing others to change will only lead to disappointment and sadness. If you are trying to change someone or change yourself to make a partnership work, this is a clear indication that you are just not compatible together. That perhaps, as hard as it is and as much as you love someone, you are no longer aligned with that persons beliefs and actions. You are allowed to love and care for someone that no longer makes you happy or has hurt you deeply but it is your responsibility to stand your ground and demand better for yourself. To call time on something that is no longer working.
Making the decision to walk away can seem like a mountain to climb. A climb that you’re not mentally or physically prepared for. A climb so steep that it might throw you off the edge half way to the summit. You will hypothesise every possible outcome for each path you have the choice to take in the hope that it will lead you to the right answer without having to commit to the pain that lies ahead. The unknown is a terrifying nightmare that you don’t wish to think about. Staying in a fragmented relationship seems to be the easiest option for fear of being on your own. You can only evaluate what you will lose if you choose to say goodbye so you stay out of anxiousness, not knowing what awaits you around the corner.
‘What will life be like on my own?’‘What if I never meet someone else?’ ‘What if my life gets worse than it already is?’
So what, just what if, things become better than your wildest dreams ever led you to believe? What if by walking away you meet the one that you were destined to be with all along? The one that sets your soul on fire and would tread the earth to see you smile? What about the endless possibilities that will come from you no longer being supressed in a relationship that doesn’t allow you to love yourself? What if walking away gives you a new found confidence that helps you see your inner beauty? What if you awaken happier than when you fell asleep? What if the road ahead of you is full of exciting new experiences that take you down the path that the universe is telling you, you need to take?
I am here to tell you; you are ready. You have always been ready for the climb. You will climb that mountain with ease and wonder why you hadn’t done it sooner. It doesn’t matter what lies ahead of you, nothing will ever make you feel more lonely than the sadness you have already suffered. You will reach the highest peak and you will stand speechless, in awe of the views you finally get to see. You will realise that the climb was worth it in the end. That pushing yourself through the most difficult situation was a necessity in order to grow and become who you were meant to be. You will realise that no matter how much you love someone, loving yourself more is the most important lesson you needed to learn. That the only person who will always be there for you through it all, is you.
Don’t change who you are to be in a relationship with the wrong person; be true to yourself and the right person will love you just the way you are.